Top Tens

Here is a list of my top ten books, because I feel like wasting time.  Read them all and argue with me over their order.  I love a good debate.

10. Fields of Honor

9. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galexy

8. Heart of Darkness

7. Hamlet

6. I Have Lived a Thousand Years

5. The Lord of the Rings Series (cannot.....break.... down...)

4. The Chosen

3. Brothers Karamazov (mispelled?  Worse name to try to spell......)

2. Ender's Game

1. The Killer Angels

I feel much better.....

Uninspired Ranting

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  This is totally a rant, brought on by several days of bad headaches, disappointment, and not enough sleep. Don't expect it to be anything exciting.  You don't even have to read it.  Just let me rant.

This summer has really sucked so far.  I wanted to come home so badly, but now that I'm home, my mother is driving me crazy.  I filled out job applications but didn't get anything.  I figure this was just as well.  I'm doing two online classes over the summer, and they have an insane amount of work.  My mom starts and ends (and interrupts) every day with the demand that I fill out more job applications.  She also keeps informing me that I have gained weight.  Yes, thank you, Mother.  I know I've gained a lot of weight in the last year, and I don't know why.  I went to Europe and walked everywhere and ate healthy, but I still came home weighing more than when I left.  I've had a headache at least every other day, and I have no energy.  I don't think it's anything serious, but it is making me irritable, and I don't like it.  (Please, no one tell my mother I'm complaining about her online.  She'll kill me.  I just have to rant--leave it at that....)

And then there's facebook--wonderful social connecting device that people like me (that is to say rediculously emotional and insecure) should never use.  It's fine when trying to coordinate an event, but it's not so fine when I feel like I'm being left out over it.  It's stupid things.  I mean, facebook makes it soooo easy to stay connected with people.  I try to start conversations with people I haven't seen in a while, to see how everything is going and stuff.  I'm sick of starting the conversations, though.  With the majority of people, I always start it, which clearly shows that I care a lot more that the people I'm trying to talk to.  I'm sick of caring about people more than they care about me.  I'm sick of making an effort to meet up with people and never having them even suggest a meeting, just coming when/if I get it together maybe--if there's nothing better to do.  Earlier this year, I finally stopped writting on the facebook walls that never acknowledged my comments.  (It's stupid that it even took as long as it did to decide to do that!!!  How pathetic is that???) I'm really close to getting rid of it all together.  The only reason I still have it is that three of my groups at college rely solely on facebook to spread info. about meetings..... 

I guess it just goes back to what you siad a few weeks ago, Brianna.  Something can mean sooo much to one person and absolutely nothing to someone else.  But I always feel incredibly insecure.

Of course, there's probably a hint in the fact that no one ever looks for me.  I found a journal (short--I tried to keep one for, like, ten days when I was a frosh in high school) where my sister had told me I was the most annoying person because I talked to much, and basically told me no one really liked me because of it.  I've always told myself that that wasn't true, but maybe it is.  I've tried to change how much I say, what I say, how I say things before, but I can't.  Heck, I can't even change the volumn (loud) that I use to talk.... Annoying personalities don't usually have friends.

I tend to blame my insecurities on the fact that I'm a middle child, and it could be that at least in part.  My parents have always though my sister was smarter than I am, and my brother is quieter and more agreeable (he doesn't fight at all).  There have been several times where, without meaning to, my parents have said stuff that hurt.  When I decided to take APUSH, there was worry expressed because Jennifer only got a B in there--in other words, if she did that badly, how badly would I do?  Ouch.  In middle school, I loved EASB.  I was all excited when I got to be captain of it in 7th grade, and I went home to my mom so happy.  She just told me about how Jennifer's first year, Jennifer studied so hard and they won!  I proudly said I had been studying really hard, and she basically said no, I hadn't.  Jennifer knew EVERYTHING in those books.  I wanted to say that I knew my books, too.  But I didn't.  I just set my mind that we had to win and studied harder.  We did horribly, and I told myself I must not have known EVERYTHING in those stupid books. That's when I started working rediculously hard and being rediculously serious about everything; I never really stopped. Then when I suggested that maybe, just maybe (seeing where I was in the SSASB line-up) I would be captain the next year, it was like, don't get too excited.  I was even reminded that in middle school, in eighth grade, I was forth in line for the SSASB line-up and the coach wanted to just go with three.  (I got to play because I had friends who thought that was a little harsh and told him so.) In other words, there was no way I could suddenly be better than those same three from then.  And I wasn't better--I think that was clear.  But I was at least up there with them, at least some of the time.  The fact that my parents doubted that I could even be there hurt.  I think I've always been trying to prove that I am at least as smart as both my syblings and that I'm going to be successful--as much for myself as for them.  It took until my senior year for my mom to believe I actually studied in my room after school, but now she finally believes that I try. The problem is, I don't think they really doubt me much anymore, but I still doubt myself.  I thought it was getting better since I've went to college--I've definately enjoyed life more--but I think it's still there.  Not as bad as junior year.  ("Most embarressing moment"--I started crying when I realized my team was going to lose state, and I couldn't stop. Just because I felt like it was my fault and hated myself that much--sort of a "cant' I do anything right???" mentality.  I am so embarressed that I did that, sleep deprivation or no sleep deprivation.)  But I still will beat myself up over the stupidest things.  I know I make bad first, second, and third impressions.  I know I'm not  "pretty" (but I don't try--I hate make up and can't get my hair to do anything "cute").  I know I'm not as smart as a lot of other people.  And I know that I always think things are more important than they are, so I always get hurt worse than I should.  I know I'm waaaaay too serious most the time--until you get to know me really, really well.  People are always surprised when I joke or do something unpredictable.  I don't know how to change it, though.

Thus concludes the rant.

It's Been A Few Years......

Wow.  I decided to come back to my page after being away for quite a while--about two and a half years.  It was really fun reading old entries; I can still remember writing most of them.  Crazy. 

I'm having an excellent day.  I went to Portobello Market this morning.  It was fantastic!  I got a few things that I probably don't really need, but I'm excited.  Right now I'm trying to plan the remaining three weeks and three days before coming home (I miss America!!!!), and I need some opinions.  I'm caught between a couple options.  In our BSU package, we already got to see some theatrical things: Wicked, Woman in Black, As You Like It, Negative Space, Sleeping Beauty (the ballet), and this classical music/light show thing (next week).  I was planning on squeezing in two plays on my own while here, but here it's almost the end and I haven't seen any.  My options are:

The Mousetrap--Agatha Christie play that has been runnint for 57 years, the longest ever

The Phantom of the Opera

Les Miserables--Which I love, but I've seen once (a long time ago) and can watch (sort of) on Youtube.  It's also the most expensive

Wicked--again.  One of my friends wants to go back horribly.

Which two should I go to? 

Also, I am officially switching to English and Social Studies Education (consentrations in geography, political science, and history, hopefully still with a major in history).  It should work if I take six classes over the summer (three in each of the five week semesters BSU offers) and add on an extra year.  I know I'll be able to get a job when I get out of college with that, and I know I would enjoy it.  I was told by multiple people that this is the best way to go, and I'm feeling pretty good about it at the moment. 

And why am I even bothering to write this?  Who even has a Xanga anymore???? 

Well, state is over.  I'm really disapointed.  We got crappy questions and stuff, but I still think we could have gotten it.  We got seventh over all.  English won their class.  Way to go English!  I was feeling really guilty over social studies for a while (I'm the captain; it's my job to make sure we don't miss).  I failed, but it's ok.  I was going to boycott all studying since clearly that doesn't work for me, but of course, that didn't actually happen.  However, I did take a lot of time off to read Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy.  Hilarious book!  I loved it!  It made me laugh a lot, and that made me feel better.  I was also paranoid for a while that everyone on the team would hate me and shun me and kick me off the team.  Actually, I think there's only one person who's mad at me, and I can live with that.  So thanks to all the people who supported us before and after state, and to all the people who went out of their way to make sure I recovered mentally.  I'm ok.

Good job orchestra as well.  Third in state!  Yay!  That's amazing!

This was an amazing day.  I was woken up five minutes before my bus came, yet some how got ready, steped out the door onto our front steps, rolled my ankle, and the next thing I knew I was lying on the grass and my mom was screaming "Are you ok?"  Yeah, I was, except my ankle was still a little sore, so I didn't run today.  I wish I had.  I don't think I failed my apush test (yay!) although since I have done every possible stupid things one could do on those tests, who knows?  Today was a boring, regular day.  I got online at 7:30, and Dmitri asked if I was going to Battle of the Bands.  I wasn't planning on it, but I thought maybe I should, since I had nothing better to do.  I expected to go and be bored and get ditched, since that seems to be what happens when I go to social events.  Instead, I hung out with Matt Bilick, Dmitri, Jenny, Evan, and lots of other people.  I "danced" with Amanda Johnson for about five minutes, and was taught a "handshake" (haven't done that since fourth grade or so) by Amanda Collins.  It was fun!  My ears are buzzing (who's idea was it to stand in front of the speaker???)  but I had a great time.  I don't know which band won, and I don't care too much in all honesty.  But I had a good time.  Thanks, Dmitri, for suggesting I come.  It was different and relaxing (although a little too loud, and not everyone sang well).  I hope everyone else enjoyed it!